Hey there, Pit of Despair. It's been a while. How's the fam?

Listen, if it's all the same to you, could we just get this over with pretty quickly? I'd like to actually, you know, enjoy a portion of my twenties.

If not, that's cool, I guess. Your call.

Anyway, have a happy Valentine's Day. Send my best to the Missus.

All the best,
dave

Dear old friend,

I hope you're not upset that I kept you hidden for the past month or so. It was nothing personal, I promise. I certainly am not ashamed of you; believe me, that beard's got nothing on you (well, not anymore, at least).

It's good to have you back. I missed you.

Hugs and kisses,
Dave

Dear Tom,

Because of you and your God-forsaken website, I just wasted two perfectly good years of my young adulthood, and have absolutely nothing to show for it.

Thanks for nothing.

Kindest regards,
Dave